We Found Our Way
by jareya
Summary: Four years into their marriage, Mac reflects on her relationship with Harm.


_**Disclaimer**__: I own neither JAG nor any of its characters._

_**Author's Note**__: My first JAG fic – I would like to thank all the wonderful writers who've inspired me with their work on this site. This little piece is set about five years after the series end, four years into Harm and Mac's marriage. I first posted this a while ago but then deleted it by mistake (*blush*) when I was trying to make some changes. I would like to thank the reviewers for their comments and to apologise for losing their reviews._

I remember when my feelings for him were a secret that I tried my best to keep, even from myself. Back then, I wouldn't let myself think about how much I cared for him, how much my friendship with him had enriched my life, how the thought of losing him was the one thing that could shatter my steely composure and send me into a tailspin of torment.

I wouldn't let myself think about how good it could be between us if we could just take the leap from friends to lovers – how we already had the basic ingredients of a good romantic relationship – physical attraction, solid friendship, loyalty, faithfulness, mutual respect and admiration, common interests, honesty and communication. Yes, we communicated so well about everything – except when it came to telling each other the truth about how much we felt for each other.

Most of all, back in those days, I wouldn't let myself think about why he didn't want to be with me – why he was so brave about everything else but rejected the challenge of taking our relationship to new levels, even when I'd made it clear to him that I was open to that challenge.

There were so many things I wouldn't let myself ponder – but in the quiet, lonely moments of the night, when I could pretend to myself that I was half-asleep, I sometimes allowed my imagination to roam….

I imagined his lips on mine – our few stolen kisses before then had been so passionate and stirring, so _right_ even though I knew that they were wrong…. I let myself imagine what it would be like to be loved by him and to love him freely in return, to call him _mine_… to reach out and touch him, hold him whenever I wanted to, without having to wonder how he would react, or what it would _mean_. I imagined how it would feel to run my hands over his hair, his gorgeous body… how it would feel to sit with him in the evenings and cuddle on the couch over a glass of wine (or in my case, juice!) after dinner… to talk to him about my deepest desires, the plans I shared with no-one else…. I thought about all of it, and more often than I would ever have dared to admit to myself back then.

But the truth is that my deepest, most hidden imaginings have nothing on the reality of my relationship with him now. Yes, our friendship is stronger than over, and yes, we do have our whispered conversations on the couch (less frequently since the little ones showed up)… yes, we touch each other freely… and often… but there's so much to _us_ than that. There's _fun_ – raucous laughter, outrageous jokes, play-fighting like kids (and with our kids), summer bike rides and winter skating sessions. There's such joy and delight that we share in being together… just being together, even when we're doing something utterly mundane like balancing checkbooks and filling out tax forms.

There's so much that's unexpected too – like learning how much he can completely lose control under the erm… _right_ circumstances, and how much he can restrain himself when discipline is called for. I never knew just how patient and understanding he can be when it comes to my flaws, and just how irrational and impatient he can be when he gets really frustrated about something. I never realized just how romantic he can be, or how ridiculously goofy. He can be as dependable as an oak tree, spreading out his branches to provide shade to me and the children, giving us a sturdy support to lean upon; and he can also be as juvenile as a middle-school kid (which can be either deeply endearing or extremely annoying – and sometimes both).

I would never have guessed that he would be such a hands-on dad, that we would handle diaper-duty like such a pro. I never knew that he would draw me into his family so closely and intimately that I felt like I'd always had these people in my heart. I didn't realize that we would build a little world of our own, where each of us – he, I and the children, felt so protected and loved. I never knew that our fights and our making up would be equally stormy and passionate sometimes… that at times our lovemaking would be fiery and intense, and at other times so gentle, warm and sweet, almost achingly so.

I can't get enough of this man – and I don't think I ever will. In so many ways, he sparks my interest, and he knows just how to hold it – naturally, beautifully, and without arrogance or manipulation. He'll probably never know just how much he challenges me, pushes me, inspires me, arouses me, stirs me up, encourages me to better, and yes, provokes and infuriates me (sometimes). He _gets_ me. He makes me feel safe, wanted, cherished, treasured – unconditionally. It's the kind of love I never received before he came along, the kind of love I secretly feared that I was somehow unworthy of. He'll probably never know just how deeply I love him in return and how thankful I am that he's in my life. We have so much to look forward to, and no matter what life throws our way, I feel confident that we can handle it, as long as we're together.

I remember how my love for him was once a secret that I kept even from myself… now my biggest secret is that somehow, against all the odds, I finally found my way to the heart of the one man that's _just right_ for me in the whole world… and he found his way to my heart too.


End file.
